I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
