During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i came on her dog
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
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So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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