I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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