Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
