last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
