I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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