I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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