At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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