I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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