I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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