i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
