ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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