Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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