There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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