i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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