just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
