I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
