I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish you could order shots online.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
