the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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