So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
