My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
