Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
