i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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