He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you had me at cake vodka
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Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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