Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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