I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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