If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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