I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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