dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
