I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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