He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
