After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
