I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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