Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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