I wish I could teleport
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
