Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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