this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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