You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
