WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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