Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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