he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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