Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize