just survived the first fart of the relationship.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
