Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
