im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
this will be a night to untag.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
