Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize