Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
