i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
