the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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