If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
