I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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