Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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