if only i could text you this smell
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
