just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Houston, we have a squirter
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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