Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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