He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
