don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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