You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
