I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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