all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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